Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
