You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
