I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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