You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
