Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Even my vagina gasped.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
