And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
