I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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