I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
