I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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