And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
