Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
