why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
