The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
