You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
