Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
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