Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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