I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
