I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
