I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
No stitches, just platelets and will power
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
