census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
