Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
