Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I smell like Dick and happiness
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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