Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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