tell your sister to shave her snatch
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
