Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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