Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
