i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
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I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
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Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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