My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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