I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
