need another drink. this is the easiest way
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
