You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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