tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
