I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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