Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize