First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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