It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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