singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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