Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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