wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
