Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
