Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.