Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.