I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it glows. i had to have it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
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i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
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He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car