I smell stomach acid.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
