i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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