I met the friendliest cop last night
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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