When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
