making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
