its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
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My vagina just recognized that song.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
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Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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