I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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