I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
