your parents love me but you hate me
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
