I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
