You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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