I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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