is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
