So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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