hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
