Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
